SATIRE | Couch To Podium: A Beginner's Guide to Reaching the Olympics
Photo Credit: Matthew Stockman/Getty Images
As the thrilling 2026 Winter Olympics has now concluded, we can't help but think of all of the little children watching at home, dreaming of one day reaching an acclaimed podium at the games. Maybe this includes you as well, although as bonafide hood elders, we may have missed the cutoff to be a child prodigy. So instead, here are our best recommendations to get you prepared to compete in the next Olympic games.
The Olympics are filled with niche, abstract sports, with so few participants you're sure to make the cut – like hockey! We've been told it's like field hockey but on ice. The key to this sport is that you need to exhibit real passion when you play, like your life depends on it, or like you're in a secret love affair with a Russian player on the other team. In fact, you should start a situationship as soon as possible to build the years worth of tension and add some secret, more emotional stakes to your career. Take caution with this sport; it seems like some players have started seeing ghosts on the ice in recent games.
No athletic prowess? No problem. Just channel your natural momentum in luge or skeleton races. With a few days of practice, you could do it in your sleep! Or if your Russian situationship seems to get a bit more heated, doubles luge may be just the right sport for the two of you.
With all the hype around these sports, it might be hard to find the space on the ice to practice. But the real best practice centre is the retirement home. With enough rounds of shuffleboard, you can slide your way into the curling conversation, and you'll definitely outlive all your competition.
However, there is a strict diet culture among athletes to keep peak form. Olympic athletes stay on their rigid schedule of tiramisu and chocolate muffins. Lucky for us, it seems most have acclimatized to the chocolate muffin diet with help from Hamber’s very own cafeteria.
The look of Olympic athletes is vital. You've probably seen Alysa Liu’s striped hair — it's an iconic look for an iconic athlete. You would naturally need to upstage this, so we suggest incorporating your country's flag into your hair to show your patriotism. This is an easy task for the Japanese, maybe not for the Sicilians. Or, go full bald to increase velocity on the ice! Either option would make for a memorable look on the podium.
Like Alysa, I'm sure you've all heard of Ilia, the “Quad God” Malinin. An alias is the true marker of a historic athlete. You have plenty of time to make one of these stick for yourself, so you can show up to the games already notorious. From our research, we've found the best options to pick from, like Despotaskate, Buonaspeedski, Norcross country skiing, or Jason Lauzon.
But changing your name doesn't scratch the surface of what an athlete must alter. The Olympics have always had some controversy about athlete modification. If you're dedicated, you should be prepared to shrink or enlarge whatever it takes to show your commitment to the sport. Plus, you could always get a little extra done on the side. If you plan on travelling to Türkiye soon, we hear a smaller nose could also assist with the ski jump.
The most important part when representing a country is wearing a series of branded items. As demonstrated by Canada’s Lululemon outfits, the quality of your clothing does not matter. If you were in the minority who wanted Canada's opening ceremony gear this year, don't fret. Just whip out a pair of scissors and boot up that old Shein account! Those fossil fuels won't burn themselves!
Maybe you're not willing to make any appearance changes, and that's okay. There are other ways to stay memorable with viewers. You can always reveal a dark secret during the press release after your event. Trust us, that'll show your girlfriend how you really feel.
We wish you luck with your training and hope to see you in 2030! And if none of this works for you, remember plan B; you can learn to bobsled in eight months!