SATIRICAL REVIEW | How To Recover From Exams: In Honour Of AP Season

Photo Credit: Matt McClain/Washington Post

Have you recently been experiencing symptoms of PTSD? Firstly, don’t self-diagnose because that’s a quirky and try-hard thing to do. Rather than attention-seeking, provided are a few simple ways to reduce, reuse, recycle, and relax to relieve yourself of any remaining restlessness.

Laughing

Google said this, so it must be a trustworthy method to destress. Based on personal experience, one may experience humour in the following ways:

In the event that Canadian geese have turned English Bay into their own personalized sewer, witness giant, mutated crabs fight to the death Godzilla vs. King Kong style.

Stuff a hoodie and sweatpants with fabric and tie them together. Pretend it is sentient and share your best jokes with it. You can even name it!

Exploring Hobbies

What better way to chillax than exploring a new hobby? If you’re stuck and can’t think of things to do, here are some unique activities you will soon find yourself addicted to!

Levitating

Levitating is the trendy new hobby for you! Find an empty field and simply float in the air. Make sure you’re at an altitude high enough so everybody can see and hype you up!

Litigation

Investments and stocks are boring. Why not spice up your moneymaking skills? Suing is especially recommended if you’re a salty loner. You’ll be a millionaire in no time!

Exercising

Various forms of exercise, such as yoga, biking, and dancing are supposed to be soothing. Healthy body, healthy mind, am I right? But nothing beats a good ol’ workout at the gym. If you ever feel out of place and don’t know what to do, provided are a few simple exercises you can do anywhere.

Squat

Squatting is possible with or without additional weights. Start standing with your feet shoulder-width apart. As you bend into a sitting position, keep your back straight. Finally, collapse, curl into a ball, and cry because nobody likes hitting legs.

Bench press

Locate and claim a bench. As you approach said bench, hold your hands in front of you extended with your fingers apart, and push them into the bench. You are now bench pressing.

Chin-up

Look up.

Pull-up

Engage in some questionable parkour. After becoming paralyzed from the waist down, make your way to the nearest Superstore for some HuggiesTM Little Mover Pull-Ups. To reach this top-shelf, top-quality, top-hat item, use your brittle arms to drag yourself up the shelves.

Shop Lift

After grinding in the gym for an entire anime training arc, go to a shop of your choice and tear its foundations from the ground. Slip under it and bench press it. Assert dominance by maintaining eye contact with the hapless people waiting for the bus across the street. After benching the shop, swipe something and run. Cardio, baby!*

* Disclaimer: The Griffins’ Nest does not condone shoplifting. Please do not commit any crimes.

Quality Time With Friends

Do you have friends? Great! Here are some of the perfectest activities to do as a group.

Play Virtual Reality Crossy Road

Is your nearest traffic light five blocks away? Fear not! With the power of the Physics Olympics team and the Robotics team working together, you can get a custom-built virtual reality headset set specifically for Crossy Road. Now, despite you not even crossing the road, you can pretend you did.

Window Shop

Go to your nearest Home Depot. Observe the windows as a group, grading style, size, and clarity of the glass. Test the durability with a sledgehammer from the Tools Department.

Self-Care

I’ve seen it on beauty subreddits at 3am, you’ve seen it in ’90s magazines at your local dentist. Ever since the dawn of time (circa. 1953), Big Healthy has been pushing “self-care.” Here are some of the highest-rated tips and tricks to do when you’re sad, lonely, and burnt out.

Face Mask

A combination of Gwyneth Paltrow’s GoopTM and the pandemic motif (see, English teachers? I did learn things!), this easy life hack requires only two ingredients. First, mix some generic GOOPGLOW cream in your ear (a handy dish). Then, liberally smear it on the inside of a traditional blue face mask. In a pinch, a reusable cloth one will do, but the mesh won’t. Lastly, plaster this Goop-y glory onto your face. Surely you won’t be stressed about your exams anymore!