SATIRE | Your 2023 Summer Horoscopes
Photo Credit: Maksim/Wikimedia Commons
Predict how your summer vacation will go based on your star sign!
Disclaimer: Griffin’s Nest horoscopes have been proven to be 100% trustworthy and accurate.
Aries ♈︎ (March 21 - April 19)
Aries are known for their confident, assertive, and energetic nature. Unfortunately, Aries are also short-tempered and impatient. This summer, prepare to be infuriated by minor inconveniences. Parents told you to wash dishes? You’re gonna chuck those so far the Sr. B Ulti team is gonna be jealous. Got a hair in your mouth? You’re gonna verbally abuse every bald person you know because you’re so envious and spiteful.
Taurus ♉︎ (April 20 - May 20)
Tauruses are determined and loyal, just like Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony! Also similar to Rainbow Dash, Tauruses are stubborn. This downfall will lead you to refuse help when you find yourself needing it most. Rainbow Dash once found herself stuck at the bottom of a gorge with no way to call for assistance. Perhaps you’ll find yourself in a similar sticky situation? Stay cautious, Taurus.
Gemini ♊︎ (May 21 - June 20)
Hey Geminis! Since your star sign is the twins, you will find out that you have a long-lost twin through Ancestry or 23andMe or something creepy. But no, this isn’t any ordinary twin! This is more of a cursed clone that haunts and hunts you. This creature is bent on finding your whereabouts. You’ll find yourself in a thrilling “Us” scenario, where your clone is the embodiment of all your combined fears. But worst of all, your twin loves Kanye! His music is fine, but your clone supports his views too! Oh no!
Cancer ♋︎ (June 21 - July 22)
Cancers are intuitive, creative, and caring! Apparently, Cancers are also very emotional, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But in this case it’s very bad because you’re gonna have a breakdown every day. While your Aries friend is busy retaliating at life, you will mope and whine and do nothing to solve your inconveniences. Everybody you love will turn away from you because they’re all disgusted by your lifestyle. But that’s ok because it’s sUch a qUiRkY CancER ThiNg to dOo!
Leo ♌︎ (July 23 - August 22)
Alright Leos. So you have a birthday during the break. Big deal. Happy birthday I guess. I can’t believe you get to celebrate your special day free of school. I’m so happy for you.
Virgo ♍︎ (August 23 - September 22)
Virgos are analytical, organized, and sometimes a bit of a perfectionist! But this perfectionism of yours will become an obsession. During the break, you will attempt to clean absolutely everything. It’ll start casually with old binders and school folders. Then you’ll decide to do your room. Soon enough, upon recognizing the disorganized state of Hamber, you’ll become the new principal and replace Ms. Jensen to gain order and control over the school (Ms. Jensen, if you’re reading this, you’re irreplaceable and this probably won’t happen).
Libra ♎︎ (September 23 - October 22)
Libras, your star sign is the scale. If you’re a metaphorical scale in need of gratification, you’ll find yourself facing a dilemma: how do you achieve perfect balance in life? Take Thanos as an example. The problem with his obsession with balance is that it originates from his misconception that eliminating half of all life would restore order. This stemmed from his fear of overpopulation, but his pursuit also reflects his craving for control, a fear of chaos, and a distorted purpose. His actions, resulting from a misunderstood sense of justice, are driven by a fear of disorder and a determination to impose his skewed version of equilibrium. How will you be different from Thanos?
Scorpio ♏︎ (October 23 - November 21)
Scorpions are arachnids with venomous stingers. These unique predators are known for their tough exoskeletons and can be found in varying environments. Scorpions have adapted to survive in extreme climates, ranging from 20-37 degrees Celsius, from forests to deserts. There are 2500+ species of scorpions, demonstrating their unique diversity, but only 25 have the potential to kill a human. Despite this, scorpions are objectively very cute.
Sagittarius ♐︎ (November 22 - December 21)
Based on scientific evidence and personal experience, Sagittariuses are the best of us. We are free-spirited adventurers who are admired by everyone and everybody. We are also brave intellects with unspoken charm and rizz. There’s no way this is a biased statement because this is a professional newspaper that certainly wouldn’t publish lies. That would be terrible because it would ruin the prestige of The Griffin’s Nest!
Capricorn ♑︎ (December 22 - January 19)
You hard-working, determined, and disciplined Capricorns! You’ll be spending your entire break on your summer school/job/volunteering. That’s it. Nothing else interesting is going on in your life.
Aquarius ♒︎ (January 20 - February 18)
If you’re an Aquarius, you should visit an aquarium! The Vancouver Aquarium is a perfect location to befriend a fish. In Kurt Cobain’s song “Something in the Way”, he suggested that “it's okay to eat fish / cause they don't have any feelings.” However, your sweet interactions with the loving, warmhearted fish and other sea life will most likely prove Cobain wrong. Something in the Way is such a haunting and introspective song, it is no wonder it was featured in The Batman (2022).
Pisces ♓︎ (February 19 - March 20)
Something in the way
Mmm-mmm
Something in the way, yeah
Mmm-mmm
Something in the way
Mmm-mmm
Something in the way, yeah
Mmm-mmm
Something in the way
Mmm-mmm
Something in the way, yeah
Mmm-mmm