SATIRE | How To Enjoy The Snow While Slowly Losing Feeling In Your Toes
Photo Credit: Adelaide Guan
In Vancouver, snow is rare. We wait for snow to arrive the entire year – and sometimes, the only thing we get in return is disappointment. So how do you take advantage of the snowy days while they last? Well, this handy review is for you, because we have gathered together a list of things you can do to make your snow days the experience of a lifetime. And, here’s the best part. Not only have we compiled seven fun, completely free activities; we’ve tested them out, too!
Activity 1: Snow Angels
Making snow angels used to be fun until we grew up and started wearing expensive clothes. We do not recommend this activity unless you want your expensive clothes to get wet. And if your expensive clothes get wet, you get wet. And it’s a truth universally acknowledged that when you get wet, you look wet. And you don’t want to walk into class and have your crush see you drenched in melting snow. Or maybe you do. We can’t speak for you. Overall, we rate making snow angels a 6/10. Some people like getting wet, but we don’t.
Activity 2: Eating the Snow
Isn’t it time to ditch that expensive bottled water that claims to be sourced from a French mountain that also happens to cost more than your soul? Scoop up some snow instead! With absolutely zero calories and absolutely zero health benefits, snow is a delectable free treat. It’s also perfect for those days when the temperature dips below zero degrees and you need to remind your body what it feels like to suffer. Overall, we rate eating snow a 10/10. If it’s good enough for penguins, it’s good enough for you.
Activity 3: Building a Huge, Deformed Snow-man/Army of Mini Deformed Snowmen
Every winter, people waste their time building perfect, normal snowmen. Why not try your hand at making pure nightmare fuel that will make anyone in your neighbourhood question your mental state? And why settle for one huge snowman when you can make an entire legion of tiny, unsettling snow creatures? After all, nobody needs a winter wonderland when you can have a psychological experiment in public discomfort. Overall, we rate this an 8/10. Evoking fear is something that can be universally enjoyed.
Activity 4: Snowball Fight
Having a snowball fight with your friends seems fun until someone takes it too seriously. You start with the lighthearted tossing of powdery little clumps, but it quickly escalates when that one competitive friend packs theirs with ice and turns a snowball into a deadly weapon. Someone gets hit in the face, another storms off, and everyone leaves with soaked socks and lingering trust issues. But on the other hand, if you are that one friend that has an overwhelming urge to pelt your peers in the face with ice, this is the activity for you. Just note that you will never, ever, ever beat any kind of allegations afterward. Overall, we rate snowball fights a 6.5/10. They’re a great excuse to humble the stealth opps.
Activity 5: Throwing Snowballs at the Sidewalk
This is what you do when you have no friends to have a snowball fight with. Instead of throwing snowballs at your beloved friends, you can pack a snowball and throw it at the sidewalk like the sad little soul you are. Though fun while it lasts, throwing snowballs at the sidewalk can became very boring, very fast. And people walking by might look at you weird. Overall, we rate this activity a 7/10, because on the bright side, at least sidewalks don’t have feelings!
Activity 6: Drinking Something Warm
There’s nothing quite like wrapping your frozen fingers around a steaming mug of something warm in the dead of winter. A classic cup of hot chocolate, complete with an irresponsible amount of whipped cream that looks like a heart attack waiting to happen? Can’t go wrong with that. Herbal tea that sounds like it’s made with medieval spell ingredients? Sure, if you’re feeling healthy. But if you dare to venture into the land of mysterious health drinks — beetroot smoothies, ginger-carrot soup, or anything described as “earthy”— you might just find yourself wondering if staying cold was the better choice. Overall, we rate drinking something warm a 7.5/10. Nothing’s more wintry than burning your tongue and pretending it didn’t just temporarily disable all your tastebuds.
Activity 7: Making your Mark in the Snow
Assert dominance by marking the snow. You can leave handprints or even draw in the snow, to let everyone know that it’s your territor y. The only downside to this invigorating activity is the risk to your own health. Touching the snow means your fingers will get cold – and you may become at risk of getting frostbite and/or pneumonia. We rate this activity a 9/10. The cold never bothered us anyway. Winter in Vancouver is like a rare celestial event; anticipated all year, lasting mere moments, and usually disappointing. But in those fleeting snow-covered days, you have two choices: embrace the chaos or sit inside watching it melt while contemplating all the other ways your life has let you down. Whether you’re launching questionable snowball attacks, creating disturbing snow sculptures, or sipping on a drink that may or may not be a medieval potion, the key is to enjoy it while you can. Because soon enough, the snow will be gone, the rain will return, and you’ll be left wondering why you ever romanticized winter in the first place.