SATIRE | How to Munch Like a Certified Celiac

On Thursday, May 18, 2023, after getting three shots during the immunization clinic, my dad picked me up and told me I had celiac disease. Celiac disease is when the small intestine is hypersensitive to gluten, leading to difficulty digesting food. Personally, I don’t feel good after consuming bread, although other people find themselves in need of a bathroom. I am not one of those people.

Tate’s Bake Shop Gluten-Free Cookies

When I want cookies, I have to go to specific grocery stores to get the best packaged gluten-free cookies from Tate’s Bake Shop. They’re crispy, they’re chocolatey, they’re everything a gluten-free Oreo isn’t. I remember my grandmother bringing me the glutenous version of Tate’s cookies for the first time and thinking I met God. I have tried both their gluten-free and gluten-filled cookies, and they are identical. The only downside of these amazing cookies is their price; I do not want to pay a higher price because I have a problem digesting something.

Shake Shack

Gluten-free or not, Shake Shack has some of the best fast-food burgers I have ever had. Shake Shack offers the option to replace their normal buns with gluten-free ones, but there are still cross-contamination risks. However, the bloating, irritability and mood changes are 100 per cent worth eating the deathly gluten burger. I have not had a hamburger since visiting Shake Shack on New Year's Eve, and my mouth longs for the juicy and filling taste of a Bacon Cheeseburger with Shack Sauce.

Crumbl Cookies

A Crumbl Cookie is the finest snack you can ever give somebody with celiac disease. It is best paired on an empty stomach with no fluids and is something you would eat after having an endoscopy to see the amount of gluten antibodies you have. The chocolate cake batter chilled cookie is so good it is deathly, especially if gluten damages your small intestines. The long trek to the nearest Crumbl is worth it after the first bite of the protein-packed cookie. Every bite of the oily cakey chocolate will boost your serotonin levels so high you will have a sudden urge to spend the rest of your life at the gym.

Que Pasa Chips

When my pediatrician told me I might have celiac disease, I didn’t really think that much of it. I got my dad to buy me Que Pasa’s organic tortilla chips in the flavour twist of lime and he sent me off to school. As I entered my grade 8 math class with my massive bag of mouthwatering gluten-free chips, everyone in room 300 begged me for one. Little did I know that people asking to eat my gluten-free food would soon be my life.

Alani Nu

My brother has a waking up problem and he has introduced his craving for caffeine to me in the form of energy drinks. On a trip to Costco, rather than buying a pack of Red Bull or Monster for almost $50, we ended up with a third option: Alani Nu. Caffeine makes me jittery, which is why I don’t drink it often, but every now and then, I will drink an Alani Nu because its flavours are just too good. The can advertises that it is gluten-free and has many vitamins like B6 and B12. However, it is still an energy drink and can have negative health effects like unhinged comments and extreme quirkiness.

Books

A snack I am tired of gate-keeping that just so happens to be gluten-free and helps with brain development is a book. Books are full of nutrients that help with mental improvement and will keep you full for days. I was eating a book once and it was called The Incredible Book Eating Boy, and when I ate the book I learned his story. He would eat books and in doing so, digest the information of them through his stomach. I hope when I eat my math workbook, I will be able to finish my homework in under an hour.

Glossier Birthday Cake Balm Dot Com

Before it exploded on me when I was on vacation, my Glossier Birthday Cake Balm Dot Com was like gum to me. I’d always have it on me, and when I was feeling hungry for something sweet, I would put it on and slightly lick it off. I hate that Glossier got rid of their old formula for their balms, as well as their best flavour, cherry. Cherry and birthday cake were my pookies — they were so yummy and gluten-free. I call upon Glossier to bring back the old formula, the old packaging, the old prices, and the cherry flavour.