SATIRE | I’m Going Through Changes Summer: New Personality Ideas For The Next School Year

Summer is around the corner, which means it's time to drastically change before the next school year! Going to college in the fall and want to reinvent yourself before encountering new associates? Pondering how you can return to Hamber completely incognito? Here are four amazing, well-thought-out personalities to slowly develop over the break.

Performative Male

Hate period cramps and never had a girlfriend? Performative male-ism might be your calling. Wear your baggiest jeans (or jorts) out of the house and keep your untouched feminist literature in the back pocket so the ladies know you are in tune with feminism. But listen: the back pocket novel is not enough. You will have a poetry book for backup in your tote bag (preferably Trader Joe's) when your main book doesn't help you look performative enough. Your book rotation is as follows: back pocket — feminist lit, tote bag — poetry, item in hand at all times — self-help book. Let people know you’re down to earth and ditch those crusty AirPods for some crustier wired headphones. Clairo MUST be playing 24/7 in those ears! You and your $9 strawberry matcha are a vibe. Go ask that girl if she wants to see your vinyl collection, and tell her how much you want to fight the man who made period cramps. And don't forget your carabiner with your keys clipped to your belt loop; it’s a key accessory in every heterosexual male outfit.

Yearner

Two Augusts ago, you probably told the truth, but they didn’t like it, so they went home. Now they're in their Benz and you are by the gate, and they go alone to charm all the people they trained for, they also mean well, but aim low. You will make it know like you’re getting paid, but that's just the way life goes. You like to slam doors closed, and you know it's always about you. Becoming a yearner is not for the faint of heart; it takes practice, years of devotion, and desire. Write them 365 letters, one for every day of the year. Make playlists for every scenario you’d imagine with them. Let the idea of being with them consume your mind until you feel unwell. Remember how you saw them use a fork once, and now you can’t leave your room because forks remind you of them. Jeff Buckley, The 1975, Faye Webster, and The Smiths are your new best friends. Stay longing for your soulmate, and always doubt your worth.

Menace

There once was this girl at a bus stop. She sat next to a man on his phone, who was watching TikTok very loudly. The girl started singing loudly while blasting music from her phone, in order to anger the man. The man from before sat at the back with her. To make things more interesting, the girl started to sing again, but on the bus for everyone to hear. Be like bus stop girl. Rage bait people in public. Don’t take your meds. Make antagonizing eye contact with the person on the bus looking out the window at your car. Go tour the firehall near your house, and befriend the firemen there, too. Being a menace doesn’t mean damaging the well-being of those around you; it means remembering you have free will.

Tranquility

Over the summer, reconnect with nature. Maybe being online isn’t what you need. Delete every app in which scrolling gives you dopamine, and live in the present. The reward for finding peace is far greater than any amount of doomscrolling could ever give you. This takes one step: get rid of your phone. It's evil, and your life will be so much better without it. Start journaling to write out the dull moments in life, and find what makes you want to live. Prioritize your physical and mental health before worrying about what you’re missing on Instagram.