SATIRE | Things To Do Instead Of Doom-Scrolling
Photo Credit: Shutterstock via CNN
Short-form content has plagued social media for the past years. On one hand, it has given us the gift of phrases like ‘Skibidi Toilet’ and ‘what the sigma’. However, scrolling becomes addicting and destructive when it is used as a reason for procrastination.
So, this is a message from me to the esteemed students of Eric Hamber Secondary School: you know enough about the Tik Tok Rizz Party lore. Get off the internet and do your assignments; they’re due tomorrow. Doomscrolling may ignite an attraction to the Baylor Tutoring Center guy as he explains meiosis, but it will not help you get the grade you want in biology. Instead of wasting precious hours on TikTok, or worse, Reels, try doing these things to help satisfy those dopamine receptors!
1. Channel your doom into poetry!
The written word is something that many of us fear, but outside the confines of the classroom, it can become your best friend. It is such a diverse way to express feelings and ideas. Some examples of my past work include an ode to Group Leader (also known as Blue Tie), a sonnet about looksmaxxing, and a Haiku about Baby Gronks’ impeccable rizz. Try poetry the next time you have the urge to open TikTok; it will save you hours of time wasted, and it is just as fun.
2. Read books.
From eating books to reading them, the months have passed and books are out of season. And by season I mean they are no longer good to eat, which means it is time to start reading them. Carry a book with you wherever you go: you never know when reading could help in any rizzuation. A thought-daughter book is crucial if one desires to add mysticism to one's aura. Some book recommendations are Politics by Aristotle, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, and The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. When you have nothing to do, reading a book is better than spending hours on the Instagram homepage getting FOMO.
3. Crushing or Crushed? Go outside.
Have a crush so bad that you’ve blown away countless hours listening to music and reposting TikToks in hopes they’ll see them? Well, stop. If you’ve never talked to your crush ever, it's not worth your time. Go outside, reconnect with nature, get some sunlight, and go for a walk. You should not let a man determine how you live your life, especially one who says “on Skibidi” and looks like a ten-year-old. Delusion is not the solution, so go for a hike or ride your bike. I find that going for a walk to reflect on my actions for an hour works way better than scrolling endlessly on TikTok. Don’t be afraid of physical exercise outside — a little motion never hurt anyone.
4. Dumpster diving
Ever dreamt of living like Skibidi Toilet but don’t know how to match his aura? Well, dumpster diving is the activity for you. It is a unique way to merge brain rot into an activity that will keep you off TikTok and into the bins of your local Sephora. Only a Sigma could ever have the guts to dive for the Jean Paul Gaultier fragrances that are lying in those bins behind Sephora. Instead of watching people on your for-you page dumpster dive, go out, do it yourself, and make outrageous memories. At the end of the day, no one is going to live happily if they're glued to their phone; they're going to want to make memories. Channel your inner Skibidi Toilet and go dumpster diving, because life is too short to never mog people.