SATIRE | What Your 2024 Spotify Wrapped Says About You
Every year, millions of Spotify users jump to social media to post their Wrapped. Many let this silly statistic define who they are for a year, even going to great lengths to edit their results to make them more appealing. Other streaming platforms have attempted to dupe Wrapped, but none have made as influential an impact as Spotify.
I found this year’s Wrapped comparable to a guest showing up three hours late to a Christmas party, expecting a warm welcome. In their pyjamas. Empty-handed.
It felt like Spotify forgot about an assignment due at 11:59 PM, so they prompted ChatGPT to create a design for Wrapped, and didn’t bother to double-check it before it went live. I wouldn’t be surprised if Spotify sees a jump in Premium accounts cancellations after this year’s Wrapped. My message to Spotify is as follows: YES girl! Give us NOTHING!
And yet, I still reserve the right to base my entire opinion of you off of your Wrapped (no matter how much Spotify disappointed me). As someone who probably knows more about music than you do, here’s what I think of you based on your Spotify Wrapped.
LISTENING MINUTES
This is the best statistic featured in Wrapped. Why? It tells me everything I need to know about you, without having to get to know you personally.
If you had under 10,000 minutes this year, you have a life. You rarely use Spotify, and when you do, the first thing that plays when you open the app is an advertisement for Premium. Perhaps you’re over the age of 40.
If you had anywhere from 20,000 to 60,000 minutes, you have normal listening habits. You enjoy music, but don't identify yourself as a music connoisseur.
If you had over 100,000 minutes this year, all your friends hate you. You’re constantly wearing headphones, and no one can ever tell if you’re actually listening or not. You’re the type of person to leave your AirPods in a Portland hotel after a concert, and realize that you left them behind ten minutes into the drive home. Your dad has Covid, and doesn’t want to turn around for your AirPods, so you’re forced to get through the five-hour drive home listening to “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I on the radio.
Then, after you experience your first week of grade 11, you realize you don’t want, but NEED to feel the all-too-familiar rush of sitting in class with a single AirPod jammed in the ear farthest from your teacher’s eyeline. What can you say? You’re an adrenaline junkie. All you want is your AirPods back, but the hotel is charging USD$119 to ship them to your house. You end up paying for them to get shipped, since you already got your AirPods for free from some man in an alley.
You are one of three: a stan, crashed out, or both. If you have over 100,000 minutes, you probably sleepstream because you “can’t fall asleep without listening to music.” This isn’t a flex, nor an excuse. Maybe try to fix your insomnia instead of listening to So Long, London on a loop. Have you ever even left North America?
If you claim to have listened to over 438,000 minutes this year, you’re a liar. Spotify Wrapped data is accumulated from Jan. 1 to Oct. 31. You’re an evil lying person and you want to make yourself look better than everyone. In reality, you just look insane because all you do is “listen” to music, and give off the employee of a McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania energy.
TOP SONG
If your top song was “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter, how does it feel to be employed? You want everyone to know you’re working late because you’re a singer, but not about your caffeine addiction. You can't really relate to desperation because your give-a-flips are on vacation. You might even have this one boy who won't stop calling. You’re that me espresso. If your top five songs looked like this, you might be a liar. Espresso, Espross, Espremnet, Spearment, Crestfent, Embresssment.
If you had any variation of coloured noise in your top five songs wear your badge with pride. You understand what you need to listen to when you study or sleep. You might be the most locked-in person to exist.
Now he's thinkin' 'bout me every night, oh is it that sweet? I guess so. Say you can't sleep, baby, I know that's that me espresso. Move it up, down, left, right, oh switch it up like Nintendo. Say you can't sleep, baby, I know that's that me espresso.
TOP PODCAST
Podcasts caused a bit of controversy in 2024. It was the year when US presidential candidates went on comedy podcasts in an attempt to appeal to voters, with Vice President Kamala Harris being a guest on Call Her Daddy and President-elect Donald Trump on The Joe Rogan Experience. Podcasts were bigger than before, especially with the existence of Talk Tuah with Haliey Welch. If your top podcast on your Wrapped was Talk Tuah, you probably bought her meme coin. If so, you deserved to lose whatever money you had invested in that coin. Please stay away and never talk tuah me.
2024 MUSIC EVOLUTION
Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop, Vampire Football Rap, Costal Grandmother Slow Dance Oldies, Wanderlust Skateboarding Bedroom Pop, Fanum Tax Ohio Skibidi Francophone Drill, Duke Dennis Rizzler Double Chunk Chocolate Chip Cookie Soundtrack Musical… can we just talk about the political and economic state of the world? What happened to the city folk of San Luis Obispo, California who listened to Taylor Swift, Justin Hurwitz, and Clario with me last year? And the citizens of Burlington, Vermont? Did all of Burlington just decide to delete Spotify off their phones in January? You can tell Spotify used AI to generate this nonsense because I can tell you I was NOT listening to Charli XCX in January. If your Wrapped was stained with Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop, just know you’re not the only victim of Spotify’s harassment.
TOP ARTIST
If your top artist was Taylor Swift, you probably sobbed when Taylor did a mashup of “Long Live”, New Year's Day,” and “The Manuscript” as the last Eras Tour surprise song. For the past two years, you’ve been watching the tour through grainy livestreams, hoping one day you could see her too. Because you’re in the top 0.0000000000001 per cent of listeners, you’re probably thinking you like Taylor in a less basic way than everyone else, and honestly, I won’t be the one to burst your bubble.
If Drake was your top artist, 2024 was a rough year for you. You were bumping it to Marvins Room alone, maybe even doing pushups, while reminiscing about the times you had when Drake wasn’t public enemy number one.
If your top artist was Tiffany, you’re an Icon. Her music isn't released on Spotify, but you found a way to stream it! She also only has one song. She’s probably super thankful you streamed her music, and is overjoyed to claim her spot as your top artist for the year. To those who have never heard of Tiffany, she’s an upcoming artist with new music coming out today!
Hopefully, your Spotify Wrapped wasn't as embarrassing as mine was last year (“Da Biggest Bird” was my top song)! As we’re currently in the grace period (Spotify isn’t tracking listening data until Jan. 1), listen to all the holiday music you want. Or you could Defy Gravity and continue listening to the same track over and over for the rest of your life.
Maybe next year, Spotify won’t opt to leave out the most streamed genre or make an inaccurate blasphemous AI podcast. What can I say? I’m an optimist. So for now, listen to whatever your heart desires! And if you catch me listening to “Pink Noise” or Last Christmas” on a ten-hour loop, no you did not.