SATIRICAL REVIEW: Hamber’s Cafeteria Food: Underrated?

VERONICA MIRANDA

The views expressed in this article are the authors’ alone. Responses or comments may be sent to ehnewspaper@gmail.com

It is a common bias that cafeteria food is low-budget, unhealthy, and unappetizing. Although in some cases this may be true, it is certainly not always the case. As Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony once said (S1E9), “never judge a book by its cover.” Therefore, as an open-minded community, students of Eric Hamber should not be afraid to explore cafeteria food despite its seemingly unappealing nature. Shockingly, many items on the cafeteria’s menu are astonishingly and breathtakingly pleasant to consume. However, knowing that there are individuals who prefer to “play it safe,” provided below is a guide to Hamber’s cafeteria food for the cowards who are too fearful to try anything new.

BBQ Chicken Leg and Mac and Cheese - ★☆☆☆☆

Is barbeque sauce a liquid? Apparently not the sauce served on these BBQ chicken legs. The strange brown, semi-solid barbeque sauce congeals on the chicken legs, leaving suspect streaking, brown stains. Thankfully, upon a closer taste, the brown stains are indeed barbeque sauce and…not something else. Oh and look! A pool of macaroni and cheese! A faint yellow, the cheese sauce exhibits more properties of cream than actual cheese. This meal is certainly a strange experience.

Hamburger and Fries - ★★☆☆☆

Fries - Just as crispy as dried leaves on a sidewalk during a warm autumn afternoon, except the leaves are slightly more edible.

Burger - Two chunks of grain with a slab of unknown butchered meat in the middle. Could be considered a “brain food” because it may cause one to question and think - “why did I buy this?”

Bacon Cheeseburger and Fries - ★★★☆☆

Fries - The familiar texture that we all know and… um…love…

Bacon Cheeseburger - When the entire burger sticks to a single bun, defying all laws of gravity, something doesn’t add up. All is well though, since the gravity-defying meat and superglue sauce is covered by the taste of bacon cooked in a salt mine.

Chicken Chow Mein - ★★★★☆

Cooked noodles bathing in an excessive amount of sweet spring roll dipping sauce. Beyond the copious amounts of sugar and artery-clogging quantity of sodium, the chicken is served generously and is quite flavourful (possibly due to the excess of spring roll dipping sauce, but that’s just a hunch).

OG Poutine - ★★★★☆

The old faithful. Honestly, the rating could fluctuate anywhere between two stars to five stars depending on the sauce-to-fry-to-cheese ratio. But when the ratio hits just right, this poutine hits different. Now, the ideal ratio is a difficult thing to describe, but do note that a swimming pool of gravy, afterthoughts of cheese, and a few twig fries are appropriate examples of what NOT to expect for the ideal ratio.

Wraps and Rolls - ★★★★☆

Be prepared for the exquisite, explosive tastes. Also be prepared for the not-so-exquisite, explosive aftermath.

Cookies - ★★★★★

To die for. These cookies are just like pugs, because everybody likes pugs (excluding those allergic to fur). Unlike pugs, which can live around 12-15 years before expiration, one’s love for these cookies would not decompose so rapidly. Cookies were invented as early as 700 A.D. in Persia. Pugs, on the other hand, were invented around 400 B.C. by the Ancient Chinese. Despite their differences, cookies and pugs are a considerably marvellous combination. It is a shame that pugs cannot eat chocolate without vomiting to death.

Spicy Chicken Sandwich with Hash Brown - ★★★★★

A newer addition to the menu, but welcome nonetheless. Seasoning, although comparable to charcoal, is actually present on the hashbrowns without being overwhelming. The spicy chicken sandwich is the epitome of normalcy. Paired with the hashbrown, however, they make a delicious duo, just like cookies and pugs, Spongebob and Patrick, Rick and Morty, and maybe even Finn and Jake.