HOLIDAY EXCLUSIVE: Q&A with Santa Claus

Photo Credit: SeventyFour/Getty Images via Crosswalk.com

DISCLAIMER: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Austin: Mr. Claus? It’s an honour to be here with you today, sir.

Mr. Claus: Thank you! Something to break up the Christmas preparations is always welcome. And I have the impression the world hasn’t heard from me in a while. I have all sorts of advice.

A: So how long have you been in the business of supplying children with gifts?

C: Well, I’ve been around since Biblical times, but I was only full-time in the business in 1752. And it took a while to really ramp up production. We only started up our PR division in 1773 But at first it was just me and the Dutch sailors I hired to manage the reindeer. Feeding, taking them for flights, shoveling dung. 

A: Shoveling dung?

C: See, flying requires a lot of energy, which means food, which means, well, excrement. That’s part of the reason we moved to the North Pole — the job’s much easier when it freezes up into bricks. That’s how we built the first elf housing, in fact.

A: That’s concerning. Considering you’ve recently faced some controversy about the elves, could you explain a bit more?

C: You young types will cancel me anyways, but I’ll tell you. We found the elves living at the Pole when we arrived. After a bit of negotiations we came to a mutually beneficial agreement. They helped us out with the gift-making, and in return they got access to all the imported goods of the modern age. They should’ve been thanking me. But instead they began to plot against me in secret, gathering in their housing and developing anti-Christmas ideologies. They began forming labour unions and striking for better working conditions, like they weren’t fine enough already.

A: I don’t know, if they were living in dung houses, sounds like they might have had a point there.

C: You don’t understand, you see, Pole politics are a whole other sort of bear to fight. It’s a harsh environment, and working together is essential. There’s got to be collaboration in order to keep the presents coming, and the elves simply weren’t interested. This was just after the turn of the century, when it all started up. Personally, I don’t blame the elves. It’s not their fault they were seduced by Marxist propaganda.

A: There must be some sort of new invention that you’re working on.

C: Well, we tried the metaverse, but somehow it didn’t catch on as much as the Nintendo Switch.

A: The metaverse was your idea?

C: Certainly. I don’t understand why it didn’t work out. With the current screen time trends, you’d think it would simplify things to just plaster your phone to your eyes. But I guess you young folks just aren’t ready. Sometimes it takes an experienced individual like myself to truly innovate.

A: If you have such control over the tech sector, why can’t you stop Apple from stealing everyone’s data, and get them to make more interesting new products?

C: Well. There are a few things in this world that are a necessary evil. I mean, how do you think we compile our naughty and nice lists? Much simpler than the whole elf-on-a-shelf ordeal. Turns out they’re awful at staying still.

A: To be clear, you’re saying that you use the data Apple collects on users to decide whether they’re “naughty” or “nice”?

C: Yes, yes. But before you get too uppity, remember that every lump of coal in a stocking is one that isn’t going to be burned and release greenhouse gases. I’m trying to solve climate change here, and no one gives me any credit.

A: Interesting. How about things up at the North Pole? What does a typical day on the job look like for you?

C: Well, not much. I don’t oversee the workshop anymore.

A: What do you mean?

C: I guess I have to confess sooner or later. It’s just not the same without Mrs. Claus. I mean, Ms. Claus. The thing is, we broke up in January.

C: We were married for — basically as long as I can even remember. I don’t even remember what I did when I was alone, before. We would have celebrated our 200th anniversary this Christmas.

A: That must be difficult.

C: And it just came out of nowhere! I tried my best to make it up to her but nothing worked, and now all I can do is sit in my home a mile from the workshop while the snow blows ‘round outside and read letters from kids.

A: You said you and Ms. Claus separated in January. Do you think the return of Christmas after 11 months might lift your spirits?

C: I do love a good Christmas. Things look pretty bleak right now, but perhaps a good round of sleighing with the boys will make up for it. And you know, you asked about support, the reindeer have been real nice. Rudolph and I go back quite a while, well, not as long as Mrs. Claus — Miss. Claus — and I. And Blitzen is always a nice ice fishing partner, no one better to sit in silence with in the bitter Arctic cold. At least out there I can’t hear the holiday haters.

A: Thanks for your time, Mr. Claus. Merry Christmas!