HOLIDAY EXCLUSIVE: Q&A with the Grinch
Photo Credit: Universal Pictures via Parade
DISCLAIMER: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Jeffrey: Mr. Grinch, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to show up for this interview! What is the story behind your flagrant opposition against such a unanimously beloved holiday, Christmas?
Grinch: Oh boy, I’m thrilled to be here. Now, I’m sure everyone’s already heard of the grossly sensationalized story of mine, in which I allegedly “ruined Christmas”, but I assure you it really wasn’t that deep. The Whos down in Whoville have this awful obsession with owls, it totally irked me out.
J: They say you sound like an owl.
G: Who?…Who??
J: Anyways, it’s been quite a while since your first advent, and it’s become an annual occurrence. What keeps you motivated to persist in your actions in the face of constant disapproval from everyone else?
G: You know, if you regard it from a contemporary perspective, it’s almost like a public service, a victimless crime, per se. Nowadays, everyone’s homes are cluttered with superficial junk around the holidays, which they feel obligated to keep because they feel too bad throwing it out. I’m just doing them a favour by eliminating the dreaded decision of what to keep!
J: That’s actually really insightful, though I’m sure many others would disagree, attributing it to your kleptomaniacal tendencies rather than your altruistic ones…
G: Nonsense! I am no such kleptomaniac!
J: Okay, Mr. Grinch, whatever lets you sleep at night. But I digress. The notion of Christmas has undergone various changes throughout the years. I’m sure you’re all too familiar with the “true meaning of Christmas”; who better to provide insight on such a hotly debated topic than Santa’s sworn enemy?
G: Well, nowadays, everything is so commercialized. You turn the corner and you overhear a conversation that goes something like:
“Hey, what did you ask your parents for Christmas?”
“Oh, nothing much, just for them to cash out my entire Amazon shopping cart.”
“Nice, nice. Are you going to get anything back?”
“No, they’re being graced with my presence, which is more than enough for a Christmas present.”
I guess I should thank our dearest Santa Claus for founding and perpetuating this season of gift-giving, as it turns out, there’s more for me to steal. Y’know, if you really think about it, Santa Claus has done worse for Christmas than I have! Did you know that Christmas used to be the season of giving to the poor and needy? Instead, everyone’s busy buying each other unnecessary gifts… as if they even need any more stuff.
J: Interesting… So what you’re saying is that people need to learn how to declutter and clear their minds so that they can come together and find joy and sustenance in each other’s company? And that Santa Claus is antithetical to the spirit of Christmas?
G: Absolutely! And by stealing Christmas, I’m working to combat this issue of the loss of the historical culture of Christmas! My plan to take down Santa Claus is slowly coming to fruition.
J: Hmm… you’re right, Santa Claus seems to have fallen further and further away from the spotlight. However, it seems that there is a Christmas powerhouse continuing in popularity. Have you heard the name Mariah Carey, dubbed the “Queen of Christmas”?
G: Heard the name?? I can’t stand her song ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’; I get a visceral reaction the moment the bell chime intro plays. She literally has the entire world wrapped around her fingers starting in November, all the way until early-mid January!
J: I totally understand how you feel. I had a job in retail once and it ruined my experience with that song. I know many retail workers who would echo that sentiment. Honestly, I’d say she’s unlocked the secret to success in the holiday season, capitalizing on everyone’s displeasing sentiments towards superficial gifts and making a song that talks about the accompaniment being the best gift!
G: Hmm, I guess I do see the genius behind her little scheme… So what were you saying about retail workers hating her song?
J: Oh, it’s not just her song. Rather, it's a distaste for the holiday season as a whole. There's chaos at shopping malls during Christmas, and it’s the retail workers that have to deal with them. All on top of listening to that one song on repeat for ten hours a day!
G: Is that so? Well, it seems like I have a plan to steal Christmas for good… MwahahahAHAHAHAHAHA!
J: What a jolly fellow. And that concludes this holiday segment: an interview with the Grinch! We’ll catch you all up next with another holiday exclusive: Q&A with our beloved Santa Claus!